Average films, dodgy films and downright stinkers of 2010

Average 

Eat Pray Love

It starts off intriguing with big impassioned speeches and humour, hits a pointless lull, gets quite colourful and sexy in Italy and then dies on its pretentious arse thereafter. It’s frustrating because I wanted to like it. I even watched again on DVD to give it a second chance. No, after she leaves Italy all the fun dies. It starts to become like someone who’s just been bag packing chewing your fuckin ear off about it endlessly.

Tron Legacy 3D

I picture this being some mega geeks big dirty wet dream. I’d never even seen the original. It’s about a twenty something rebellious type guy who gets sucked into a computer game to rescue his dad who’s been stuck in there since the 80’s. To give it credit the 3D is incredible, God knows how’ll they’ll flog it on DVD though. And it has a thundering soundtrack from Daft Punk which is by far the best thing in it. For Daft Punk and the 3D it’s a thumbs up, for the stupid story and the CGI crime of trying to make Jeff Bridges 20 years younger it’s a fuck no.

Remember Me/ Dear John

Both romantic dramas, both just all right. Remember Me stars Twlight’s own R-Patz as a sullen and wayward youth angry with his daddy and cut up over his brothers suicide. He gets caught up in a ruckus and as part of a dare gets involved with his arresting officer’s daughter – Claire from Lost. They help sort each other’s issues out and there’s an odd twist at the end. It’s much better than Dear John. It’s from The Notebook team so you know what to expect. It’s slushy and melodramatic. You’ll watch it but forget it.

Burlesque

If you are gonna make a cheesy film then best go fuckin overboard. It restrains itself. The tunes could have been better too. But Aguilera plays it as she should and Cher and Stanley Tucci keep this boat afloat.

Shrek 4

More of the same but not nearly as good. Call it a day.

Paranormal Activity 2

It’s an awful lot similar the first, which is both good and bad. It’s not nearly as subtle. It gets a bit predictable. It still has some decent scares though, but waters down the brilliant first one by turning it into a mucky franchise.

Crazy Heart

Jeff Bidges won an Oscar for it, but it’ not a particularly eventful or memorable film. He stars as a washed up country singer who befriends and falls for reporter Maggie Gylenhaal who comes complete with adorable son. Turns out he’s just to past it to straighten up and fly right. Bridges is good but the films just ok.

Charlie St Cloud

Melodrama about Zac Efron accidently killing his young brother then being visited by his ghost who helps him get his life in order. It’s slushy and cheesy but not awful. Efron’s easy on the eye...

Twlight Saga: Eclipse

If you like the franchise you’ll love this. If not steer clear. To be fair it’s the best one yet as vampires and werewolves join up to protect Bella from the bad guys. Plus there’s a funny scene in a tent which I think is supposed to make tweenage girls going.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1

Average is perhaps a little too harsh, because when the action gets going it’s really top notch. But there’s too many drawn out scenes where nothing happens in a tent. Just like in the fuckin book. It bores. Adapt it or edit it, just cut down the sitting around in a tent!

Unstoppable

Denzel Washington stars in a true tale about a man faced with stopping a runaway train full of explosive material ploughing into a small town. How these events come about are frustratingly plausible for something that seems impossible to ever occur. The action and suspense are quite good too.

Whip it

I kinda liked, but also felt it could have been better. It’s about Ellen ‘Juno’ Page being a beauty pageant queen/ secret roller derby participant. She has to hide her dangerous wild side from an over protective mother. It has a good solid story and point, but could have done with more laughs.

Despicable Me

I liked the premise and the animation was good but that fuckin accent started to bug me loads. It’s about a super villain who warms to 3 orphan kids.

4321

It’s a British crime thriller about 4 girls who inadevertantly get mixed up in a jewel heist. It’s got action and it’s a bit Tarintino like, and theres humour and sex but all in it gets a bit annoying. Worth a watch though.

The Killer Inside Me

I think that Casey Affleck is a really great, watchable actor. I find his face and voice so intriguing. In this he plays a small time cop who everyone loves and respects, but on the inside (as the title suggests) is a fairly brutal psychopath. He’s out for revenge for what happened to his brother but the story gets a bit too heavy for my liking. It has exceptionally shocking violence at one part (he punches Jessica Alba to death) and it’s filmed in an unflinching and traumatising way. Soured it for me.

Karate Kid

It’s a retake on the 80’s classic with Will Smith son and Jackie Chan taking the lead role. Jaden Smith is like a mini Will Smith and his fresh prince attitude is fun to watch. Jackie Chan is really serious though which is off putting. There is a great scene when Chan beats up a load of children which I really relished. The whole thing is set in China with some really amazing footage of Chinese buildings and culture which seems to be hidden from western eyes too much.

Piranha 3D

This was a crude, gory blood fest, but I did enjoy it. But the violence is incredible and lengthy too. The story is idiotically simple, prehistoric eating machines escape from a cave buried under a lake after seismic activity. It coincides with Lake Victoria’s annual Spring Break celebrations. Thus a lot of pretty teens get chopped to bits by vicious swimming knives. And yes Kelly Brook does full frontal nudity. And a penis gets eaten (by Piranhas not Kelly Brook)

Knight and Day

Mediocre action film with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Some entertaining fighting on a plane towards the start, but not enough throughout.

Sex and the City 2

Average might be a bit generous for this caper gone wrong, but as a fan of the series I'll do my best to defend it. erm, the scenery was quite nice? there are a few good laughs from Charlotte and Miranda, but the story is stupid and Carrie is so ubelievably grating. It's totally over the top beyond immagination, and camp in a way the original series wasnt. Plus sometimes it's borderline racist.

Made in Dagenham

It’s the tale of the women workers at Ford motors striking for equal pay in the sixties. Sally Hawkins (who I love) is a delight. It’s entertaining but perhaps dragged out a little too long, and falls just short of being inspiring.

RED

Standing for Retired Extremely Dangerous, 4 past it secret agents are required to suit up again to find out who’s behind something or other. I enjoyed the start but tuned out towards the end. If you want a good action film just watch Salt.

Predators

Not really a franchise I’m familiar with, I did enjoy this though. Particularly the opening scenes. It takes a while to get to the obvious, and you can probably guess how it will pan out, but still a decent watch.

Bad Films. Really Bad films....

Iron Man 2

The first one was not bad, this one is just Robert Downey Jr being more smarmy than charming. It’s just all a bit pish. It takes forever for the action to get going and when it does it’s over all too briefly. There’s sub plots and strands going on that unnecessarily bore and complicate things, and it has Mickey Rourke doing the hammiest Russian accent imaginable (which I secretly enjoyed.)

Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton does some big CGI laden mess of this story, Alice is an insufferable dim wit and the whole thing is painfully fake and try hard. Particularly Jonny Depp who after Pirates is given free rein to behave like an eccentric arsehole madhatter. It grates heavily. Give it a miss.

Robin Hood

I didn’t enjoy this, not one tiny bit. The only thing entertaining about it was Russell Crow’s meandering accent. It’s very serious, like a historical account of a fictional figure. Gladiator this is not. And there wasn’t a Bryan Adam’s song in sight. No thank You.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Loser kid is selected to help in ancient battle and master magic powers. It’s all a bit yawn. And ultimate Fugger actor Nic Cage is in it.

Brothers

Toby McGuire is a solider married to Natalie Portman with kids, who goes missing in Afghanistan presumed dead. Back home his wayward brother Jake Gylenhaal comes good and looks after his widow and kids till they start to get too close. Then McGuire returns home, a changed man from all the horrific torture he’s been through. Toby McGuire is not pleasant to watch portraying grown ups. His man child looks are jarring. It’s a shame cause the Portman Gylenhaal duo could make a good beautiful screen pair, but the whole thing feels like a terrible ITV Sunday night drama with Robson Green.

Prince of Persia

Yet another Gylenhaal sized stinker. It just plain sucks. And I liked him in Donnie Darko and Brokeback. Not seen Love and Other Drugs but he’s made me nervous with these decisions.

The Expendables

My brother enjoyed this, but he also reads Nuts magazine and listens to music called ‘hardcore till I die’ so perhaps this film was not aimed at me. I like action films, but this was a case of too many cooks spoil the broth. Or too many guns spoil the protein shake judging by all the rippling muscle on show here.

The A Team

I think it wanted to be funny. And it wanted to be over the top. But it wasn’t so keen on making sense or being entertaining.



















Clash of the Titans

It was ok in 3D, like a big CGI adventure epic with lots of fighting mythical beasts and what not. It was nothing new.

















Nine

musical with an awful lot of famous people in it, but it isnt particularly fun or entertaining.

Best Romantic Comedies 2010

Best Rom coms of 2010.

I like romantic comedies, they are a guilty pleasure. Sometimes you have to suspend your common sense or logical mind to enjoy it, but if you have a secret romantic inside you let them out for about 90 minutes to enjoy. If done right they can sometimes ring true and hit a real chord (my faves are 500 days of Summer, Bridget Jones and When Harry Met Sally), if done badly they’ve probably got Jennifer Aniston in them. Just kidding, though she is properly hit or miss.  Here’s my 2010 recommendations In order of preference

Going the Distance

Going The Distance is probably the best of last years offerings. I like Drew Barrymore she has something weird and edgy about her and Justin Longs easy on the eye. The gist of it is two people trying to turn a brief romance into a long distance relationship between New York & LA. The leads do bounce off each other quite nicely. On his end his smutty friends try and give him advice, on her end she’s got a bitchy sister telling her what she thinks (an under used Christina Applegate who’s a total hoot), It’s got some good laughs, it’s nothing too silly and seems to have a bit of heart.

I love You Philip Morris

Sort of a gay romcom crime caper. Jim Carrey stars as a gay con man who steals, embezzles and frauds his way into the most expensive lifestyle he can. Eventually he gets caught out and locked up. Which is where he meets Philip Morris, love of his life and obsession. Eventually the pair get freed and Carrey returns to his old tricks...

It’s a fun film based on a true story, and without spoiling anything, the guts of Carreys character are galling! The lengths he will goes to in order to escape are downright brazen but brilliant. It’s not strictly a comedy, but it certainly has humour.

The Switch

I liked it. Jennifer Aniston is a career girl but wants a baby. Problem is she can’t find a fella. Talk about art imitating real life hardy har. So she gets a sperm donor. Her best male friend thinks the idea is dumb and at her pregnancy party (thats right a party to celebrate her turkey basting a tub of spunk) he gets wasted, spills the spunk down the sink and replaces it with his own.  He cant remember doing it, she moves away and several years later returns with his carbon copy son. No one is the wiser. It’s actually an alright effort. The kid is funny and I like Jason Bateman.

The Back Up Plan

Another Jennifer, this time Lopez, wants a baby but again can’t find a man. Perhaps if these women weren’t such munters men would take notice. So she gets herself some sperm too. And just as she gets preggers she meets her perfect man. With hilarious consequences! Well with quite funny bits. It’ll do.

She’s out of my league

Loser guy pulls hot girl, friends and family can’t comprehend the logistics. Despite it’s superficial premise It’s a fair effort, nothing particularly new or original but still has funny moments.

The Rebound

Catherine Zeta Jones is a housewife who catches her hubby cheating. So she packs up her young kids and heads off to New York City for reasons beyond me. There she gets a fresh start but begins to fall for a much younger man. It has an age shouldn’t matter in love theme that I can’t see why it appeals to Catherine Zeta Jones. It all gets a bit sticky, but there are some parts I did laugh aloud too. Watch it and see if you think the ending is dumb too.

Valentines Day

It’s basically just Love Actually or He’s just not that into you, it has a galaxy of stars in it, some of them talented, some of them Jessica Alba. There’s enough going on to keep interest and distract from a lack of plot. It is ultra sugary but watchable.

The Bounty Hunter

A bounty Hunter has to track down and capture his ex wife. Thus they have to spend a lot time together. Wherever could this be going? It’s nothing new or exciting but Gerard Butler is alright. It’s not terrible though. There’s just better out there.

Ones I’ve openly avoided: Leap Year. I like Amy Adams so have avoided this as not to think less of her. When in Rome. It just looks a bit tiresome, I wouldn’t seek it out, but if it was on one afternoon I might give it a watch.

My Faves of 2010

Just a little mixture of films that I personally enjoyed, even if they don't win any awards or anything.

Another Year

Mike Leigh’s last offering Happy Go Lucky a few years back was one of my favourite films ever, so I was hoping for more of the same. Another Year is different though, it doesn’t have the upbeat positivity of Happy Go Lucky’s Sally Hawkins. Instead what it offers is very real, raw and in a way comforting. Though this could also be interpreted as sad and depressing.  It follows one year in the life of middle aged couple Tom and Gerri, watching them go about their work, tend to their allotment and deal with friends and families problems as the seasons change. Tom and Gerri are solid and having a loving and affectionate marriage. The problem is the sadness and loneliness of the characters they have around them. Particularly Gerri’s friend Mary, a tour de force performance of insecurities, hope and despair by Leslie Manville. It’s a sort of glass half empty half full of a film.

Monsters

It wasn’t really promoted when it came out last December, but that doesn’t stop it from being one of the years more interesting  offerings. A sci fi film it pitches the idea that in a few years from now some alien matter falls on earth (or Mexico to b precise) and begin to evolve. These beings are huge in magnitude and as such much of Mexico becomes bordered off and monitored. It’s a bit like District 9 meets cloverfield meets The Road. A desperate journalist travels to the area to get a story and is tasked by his editor to bring his daughter back from the Hell hole. With all their options running out they decide to pay for illegal transport through the danger area. It’s got so much going on its interesting.

Step Up 3

Dance films are silly and limited. And I’m not talking Black Swan, but more specifically the Step Up franchise. They are cheesy, predictable but also impressive. Essentially just one long rather impressive music video, is good enough for me if the shapes that are thrown are mind blowing. And step up 3 delivers everything I need, sugary dialogue, an overly emotive narrative, and the cheesiest lines imaginable. The dance moves are incredible and it’s one of the few times last year I felt 3D actually improved the film. Yes it’s a dirty stinking guilty pleasure, but leave me to my squalor.

The Hole

Ok so it’s a kids film, it has a 12A rating, it comes from the man who made Gremlins when I was but an ankle biter, so how scary can it be? Pretty terrifying actually. Enough to make me jump a few times and be on the edge of my seat (I do scare easy though)

A teenage boy and his primary school brother move with their single mum to a spooky small town and enlist hot next door neighbour to explore creepy bottomless pit underneath their house. Out from The Hole pores their greatest fears, scary dead children, evil murdering clowns, and a wife beating child smacking father. I salute The Hole for pushing the boundaries of family films. Like Mickey Mouse wielding a flick knife; a tad unsettling but potentially interesting.

Salt

Angelina Jolie stars as an FBI agent who is accused of being a secret Russian spy who is going to kill The President. Fearing she might be set up, she flees and her former colleagues pursue. It’s hard to say anymore without spoiling anything, but it is perhaps a tad too far stretched but still brilliant fun and good solid action to boot.

Toy Story 3

What more can you say about Pixar’s films? Last years Up was a masterpiece. You laugh you cry you gasp. I felt knackered, drained and uplifted by the end of it, and that’s a weird mix of feelings to carry out to cinema with you.  Much in the same vein, Toy Story 3 is fantastic, settling back down with your favourite characters to a brand new tale of adventure, peril and fun. It ties up loose ends and acts as a cherry on top of a much loved family trilogy.

How To Train Your Dragon.

Slightly off putting title aside, once you get over the oddness of all the Vikings having Scottish accents and having American offspring, this animated tale really boils down to an unlikely friendship emerging between foes and for a kids film becomes strangely involving. The Vikings and The dragons are sworn enemies, till one loser kids accidently injures a rare dangerous dragon and aids in its recovery. The pair become mates, but are torn apart by their ancient war. It’s gripping, warm and funny.

Buried

Claustrophobics avoid. It is a movie set entirely inside a coffin. Ryan Reynolds is a contractor in Iraq who is kidnapped and buried alive with just a mobile. Can he secure a ransom in time? It’s pretty thrilling for a film set in a box.

Exit through the Gift Shop

It’s a documentary about the rise in graffiti or ‘street art’ culture, and focuses predominately on Banksy. But the real star of the show is the crazy French film maker who made this all possible by filming almost everything he did for about 10 years. He accidently documents most of the cultures movement. It’s really quite fascinating getting a peak at this secret little world. There’s also a moral in their about art and the value of it and how we deem something art. It’s really good.

Catfish

Another documentary but just as riveting as a fictional film. A documentary film maker takes an interest in his photographer brothers blossoming friendship with a gifted 8 year old girl threw Facebook, The 8 year old has been using the photographs as inspiration for paintings  and a bond is made between the two families. He then becomes romantically connected to her older sister, but only threw emails, texts and phone calls. A chance discovery sets them thinking that something is a miss and events snowball into a frightening and touching story. This is great watching for anyone that’s ever wondered about anonymity on the net and how easy it is to create a whole new fraudulent identity.







The Princess and the Frog

It's an old school Disney 2D animation and the drawings are beautiful. It's set it the southern states of America so think mardi gras, gumbo & blues. Disneys first black princess is actually a pauper girl saving up to fulfil her dream of owning a restuarant. But she's caught up in a voodoo scheme and is turned into a frog. It's old school Disney fun and it works.

The Ghost

Ewan McGregor is hired as a ghost writer to pen the memoirs of a contraversial war prime minster (think Tony Blair). He then gets embroiled in a murky shady conspiracy. It's quite a good watch if you keep invested in it. Pierce Brosnan is great as the exiled Prime Minister.

Splice

Adrian Brody and his wife are genetic scientists on the brink of amazing things when their funding suddenly gets threatened. Acting irrationally, they decide to proceed on secretly and splice a genetic creature half human half animal. The raise the child/monster, but as it grows things go a bit Frankenstein. It has a really interesting sci fi premise and it’s portrayed well. There is a ‘what the fuck just happened then’ moment in it that changes the tone. But a great film if you like moral questions about science.